Last night I told my good friend that I desperately wanted to give God 100% of me. I wanted to live 100% for God. Because I have done it before and that is when I had the most joy and peace in my life. The problem I explained was that I am giving him around 90% and I am holding onto a part of me, but I don't know what it is.
I have always had this problem with my relationship with God. It's not like I have a ball of clay and God asks me for all of it. If He did, I would know when I did give Him the whole ball or if I am holding onto a small percent. So there are times in my Christian walk that I feel like I am holding some of myself back from fully serving God and my soul feels it.
I heard once that one man 100% devoted to God can do more for the kingdom than 100 men 99% devoted to Him.
A few years ago it really hit me that we are meant to Love God and Love people. That is why we are here. It gave me so much hope, joy, peace and excitement for life. I then dedicated that season of my life 100% to loving God and loving people.
It was incredible, it was by far the best time of my life, I learned so much, I felt God loving through me, I had peace and joy and excitement of life. It was indescribable. God and I were real friends.
At one point, it all stopped. I took 1% of that ball of clay back and more slowly since. It was so subtle that I don't even know when I realized I have lost my sights. Just like Mary and Joseph walked three days until they realized Jesus wasn't walking with them. I retraced my steps and tried to love people. I fed the homeless, I became pen-pals with a prisoner, I would try to hang out with outcasts, I tried it all.
I made it a religion. I tried to love people without loving God. I tried to exhale without inhaling and failed miserably for a few years. I tried to make my own way to God instead of accepting the way He made for me.
Sure I was still a Christian, I still believed in Jesus, etc. But I just didn't really fully realize that he loved me with or without all the stuff I was trying to do. As a good friend explained the lesson of Mary and Martha. Martha was "distracted by serving" and Mary just sat at Jesus' feet. (Luke 10:38-42)
So last night I told my friend that I feel like I am Jonah running from God's will by writing prisoners and feeding the homeless. My heart wasn't right with God and according to the Bible, you can give everything you have to the poor, but without love you are nothing. (I do happen to believe that God is love and that verse is referring to Love himself).
So back to the ball of clay. I had and have a really hard time knowing what 100% looks like. I haven't been asked to move to Africa or sell all my stuff. I feel like when God asks something of me, that is when I will know whether or not I am willing to give 100%. So last night, I prayed to be asked to give my all. If I am supposed to put all my chips on red or black, I need to know which one to put it on (metaphorically speaking).
I think that 10% that I didn't give was listening ears. The 90% I already gave was a willing heart, a convinced mind but the other 10% was fear and willingness to see what God is really calling me to.
So I prayed last night that God would show me what He wants of me.
Today, I know and I cannot wait to jump both feet in.
Maybe that last piece of clay you didn't give God is your fear and just listening to whatever it is He might have for you.