I know I havent written in a while. I had a bunch of ideas for some blogs that I didnt write, I feel like Gods been teaching me a lot, not in a hey Isaac, check this out but more of a hey Isaac! Stop being an idiot type of way. So a lot of those blogs arent as much as a hey look how awesome I am but more of a look how not awesome I am. But Ive gotten in the habit of writing 2 hour long blogs, so I avoid writing blogs when I know I dont have a few hours to sit down and write, so Im trying to just write even if itll be a short blog. Even that explanation is longer than it should have been.
Anyway, Ive been learning how prideful I have been over the years and how much of my pride flew under my radar for so long that I didnt even notice. If I was more disciplined in writing blogs I would be able to refer to the 2 hour long blog about pride that I would have written a month ago. It would have been about how God has showed me that pride has crept into everything in my life, but I guess thats what pride does. I think I should say that people always think that pride comes in one form and that is in the form of the prideful person thinks of himself higher than everyone else. Which is true, but I dont think it comes off in the ways we expect it. I think thats why it flies under the radar with all of us so much. We think to ourselves I dont think of myself better than the next guy but our actions are constantly driven by that. When we get mad that we have to wait in line its driven by the thought that weve got important things to do, we dont think thats prideful, but if you break it down, you are assuming that everyone else in line doesnt also have important things to do. Thats just a sample. Another form of pride is using others to get what you want. But you are nice to them in the process so you dont think that you are being prideful. This can be as amazingly nice as having a sponsored child in Guatemala so other people see how generous you are or even worse, in the Christian world, witnessing to a non-Christian so other Christians would see that you are a great Christian. Without any real concern or regard for that persons soul. Pride is a cancer that comes in forms like colon, brain, stomach, breast and even testicular cancer. Places people dont want to talk about. One scary form of pride that has reared its ugly head in my own life is pornography. I could write a whole blog about that struggle and what God has taught me about grace and his hatred for sin through that. But whats scary to me is that comes from pride. Its a specific pride. If pride is using someone else to get what you want or think you need. Then porn and lust is specific to gender. Its using the opposite sex to fulfill your thoughts, urges or desires. Its incredibly prideful. Ive said a million times that sin is something youve got to nip in the butt. I used to think that when it comes to porn you have to watch the small things like what movies you watch or what you dwell on. Which is true. But thats not the root of it, its pride. Once you keep allowing yourself to use others to get what you want. Once you keep putting yourself above other people, thats when you start allowing yourself to do that in so many other areas of sin, like porn, gossip, lying, etc. When you dont listen to your convictions of treating others lesser than you, its easier to allow yourself to get away with the bigger sins. Whats sad is that we dont put ourselves high above others, just enough so other people and ourself dont notice it. Its like 51% above the other person. Its not a 90%, thats too obvious. Pride thrives on being subtle and the very root of pride is being subtle. Its not always about image, but a huge part of it is about image. So if we look prideful, thatll affect our image. So our pride even keeps us from looking prideful. Its a terrible cycle. And its ruining our relationships with others and especially God.
So thats the blog that I wasnt gonna write. But I guess I just did. My bad. That was supposed to be two, I could write books on pride or porn. And Im not proud of that...or maybe I am??
Anyway, Gods been showing me my prideful, selfish heart. And Ive wanted God to heal me of it. I prayed that God would change my heart. I want to be nice to people and love them. I want people to see how loving of a guy I am. I want people to look up to me as a Christian. I want people to seek my wisdom and advice. Hilarious irony. Ive been realizing in my past that Ive been praying that God would heal me, save me and change my heart from pride so Id look better. Id be a model Christian. Im not thinking about God saving me from my sins so that I can give Him glory and love people with no other reason than that its what my God commanded me and maybe its something they need. People need to be loved and realize that God loves them and maybe my life is supposed to remind others that God loves them. I shouldnt love people so people would love me or that people would talk good of me for loving others. I should love people because maybe thats what people need. People need to be reminded that they are loved by God and enjoyed by God. Ive struggled with this for so long. I needed to know that God loves and enjoys me. When I forget thats when I run to other things that give me the impression that those things love me. But I need to find that in God. Others need that too. If I could truly love people the way God commanded me to, imagine how many lives would be changed, imagine what amazing things God can do in their lives. Look at all the damage I cause when I live for myself, imagine all the things God can do when I live for Him.
So with that in mind, I read the short story The Greatest Gift that inspired the movie Its a Wonderful Life. If you dont know the story or the movie, the main character George was able to see what the world would be like if he had never been born. He sees that his brother died because he wasnt there to save him from drowning, that his wife married another man that treats her horribly and several other peoples lives were miserable because he wasnt there to help. So he says to the angel (in the book) Change me back, please, not just for my sake but for the sake of others too.
That hit me, I need that to be my prayer. I need to remember how much I can hurt other people when Im left to my own devices. How much selfishness comes from this heart of mine and how many times it subtly oppresses others around me. I need to be selfless, not to look better, not to be talked well about. But because Im reckless and Ive hurt so many people with my words and actions. I need to be stopped. I need to change, not just for my sake but for the sake of others. So I dont hurt people anymore and especially so they know that God loves them and that He would get the glory.